Hiccup

I just checked my account and I don't have enough to cover December's bill. Fuck me. I've been feeling out of sorts lately so I've been buying crap to fill that hole. Which I have now widen with my money woes. In the midst of trying to study for three separate tests I decide to do some job hunting. I saw a position that would be perfect for me but it was on craigslist. It is hit or miss with craigslist but I'm desperate enough so I'll send them my resume and cover letter this Friday. I first need to focus on my last two tests. I just completed a test today and once again I second guess myself. In my readings I even made a word analogy to a term so I would remember it. The test comes and I second guess myself.

Holding Back

I have continuously held myself back with the limits I placed on my worth. I am scared of failure so I don't bother participating in life. This detachment, slowly settling in my character is frighteningly familiar to me. I don't want to go through depression again. I don't want to check out of life not feeling anything. The voidness is suffocating. I don't want this fear of failure and probably also fear of success paralyze me from living my life. I'm here. I might as well make the most of it.


Although tomorrow will be a busy day, I have decided to attend a job fair. All my professional clothes are packed away somewhere. I'm scared and excited. The feeling of excitement has given me pause because it wasn't related to some Korean drama. I am actually excited about life.

Currently

Proud of: No longer taking happy pills
Scared of: Needing to be back on happy pills and what I'll be doing after May 2011
Looking forward: To the English subs for my kdramas and January ($)
Frustrated: With myself
Ashamed of: Regressing back and living at home AND being unemployed
Thankful: Of my family and being able to go back to school
Relieved: That Summer is fucking over
Hopeless: My financial situation and my fat ass
Wish: I could move out
Regret: Not keeping in contact with my Cali friends or co-workers
Need to: Get off my ass and away from my computer to clean and start studying
Hopeful: That I will get through this
Envious: Of my half-brother's family
Angry: At myself
Worried: Of the (more than usual) detachment I've been experiencing