Holding Back

I have continuously held myself back with the limits I placed on my worth. I am scared of failure so I don't bother participating in life. This detachment, slowly settling in my character is frighteningly familiar to me. I don't want to go through depression again. I don't want to check out of life not feeling anything. The voidness is suffocating. I don't want this fear of failure and probably also fear of success paralyze me from living my life. I'm here. I might as well make the most of it.


Although tomorrow will be a busy day, I have decided to attend a job fair. All my professional clothes are packed away somewhere. I'm scared and excited. The feeling of excitement has given me pause because it wasn't related to some Korean drama. I am actually excited about life.

Currently

Proud of: No longer taking happy pills
Scared of: Needing to be back on happy pills and what I'll be doing after May 2011
Looking forward: To the English subs for my kdramas and January ($)
Frustrated: With myself
Ashamed of: Regressing back and living at home AND being unemployed
Thankful: Of my family and being able to go back to school
Relieved: That Summer is fucking over
Hopeless: My financial situation and my fat ass
Wish: I could move out
Regret: Not keeping in contact with my Cali friends or co-workers
Need to: Get off my ass and away from my computer to clean and start studying
Hopeful: That I will get through this
Envious: Of my half-brother's family
Angry: At myself
Worried: Of the (more than usual) detachment I've been experiencing